sure fire...

okay, so. my last blog was NOT a happy blog. but... here is the facts of whats going on...

• lost my two best friends. -i've been putting to much of my faith and trust in them, and not so much in God. idk what His plan is with them and i in the future, but right now i'm trying to get back to how it should be with Him.
• lost my happiness- i've been spending to much time trying to MAKE these things work, but i cant make them work, i can't be someones Jesus... cause i NEED Jesus, and cant be some one else's.... to me a while to get that one... but i'm starting to understand it.
• lost who i am- i did, i was losing who God has called me to be, and who i TRULY am... its hard to remember when i'm constantly reminded of who i use to be. the key part to that is use to be, but no matter who see's it, or knows the truth. I know the truth, and thats all that matters at this point.

• not suppose to be here- haha... this is a very, very, very true fact. but its where i am, and there isn't a whole lot i can do to change that... but that doesn't mean i cant grow, and that i cant become more of the person i'm suppose to be while i'm here. and i dont know how long the here thing will last, but it will till its time for me to leave again... and i want it to be NOW... but i guess i just have to learn patience... cause if i'm here it must mean God isnt done with me being here yet, right?

like i get these are all very obvious things to most people, but i guess in this situation i'm not put into the majority. and i'm okay with that, because i am learning and i am growing... and that is what is truly important in life.

make damn sure...

i wish life had a rewind button. than i could rewind life to the day i decided to move, and to the day i asked someones opinion about me moving... and i would listen to them. because i cant change whats happening, and i never will be able to, but i for some reason thought i could, for some reason i thought i was my families personal Jesus. but i'm no ones Jesus, and i wish i had listened to the words i was being told, and listened to everyone around my instead of jumping onto what i thought i was suppose to do, and not what God was telling me to do. and now because of a choice i made, i have lost so much of my life. i lost my happiness, i lost my friends, i lost what i love to do, i lost myself.
and now it feels like the only thing i can do is to go back to where i was, but its not a choice i have at the moment. and i would just be running, cause i cant undo what i've already done, i cant take back the things i've said to people, i cant take back the things i walked away from, i cant take back the ways i've negatively affected people since i've been here.
if i had thought about it longer... and prayed about it more, i wouldn't have done things idioticly.
but there is nothing i can do about any of it now, whats done is done and i cant really be mad at myself for it.
though... i still wish life had a rewind button.

and you cant break whats already broken...

so... i've come to realize my two biggest mistakes as of recent.
and there isnt a whole lot i can do to help the current situation for either of these.
one, requires money... which i dont have... at all... $1.05 was the last account balance i knew of... no joke.
the other, requires someone to listen to me, and the person i need to listen to me doesnt want to, and i'm not a person who will make myself heard for a situation such as this.
but non the less, theyre big mistakes, and they're both linked to one another.
so does that mean i've made on VERY big mistake lately, thats affecting my whole life?
quit possible... but only time will tell i guess.
anyways... i want to fix these, but it seems i've ran out of options... i mean, i kinda have a way to fix one of these, but the other will just be left... and i would feel like i'm running from that problem.
haha.
i think i should talk to a person about this... actually that has been suggested... i'm just not sure who to talk to.
i dont know a person that i trust enough to let them in and tell them all the inner thinkings and thoughts i have right now.
like, i trust people, very few people, but i do trust people. but this would require me admiting how i've been wrong, and show i'm vulnerable.
but i'm doing that right now... but who really reads my blog besides Kate Cotter? maybe my mom? lol
ha.
i'm out of things to say.
cause that was my thought...
but if you, the person who is reading this right now, has any ideals on how to talk to someone about this nonsesne circle of my bad choices, clue me in? thanks!
:)

rawness...

okay, so i know this is soooo random.
but i reallllllly love the foo fighters.
there newest album, which comes out tomorrow by the way!
is all recorded in Dave Grohls garage, totally raw and recorded on tapes.
like they did back in the day, before they had all this nonsense editing BS where its not just the band, its tweaked and edited and stuff added in through computers.
its real music, just them playing and i think its amaaaazing!
cause no one really does that anymore.
like everything is fake now, like hip hop and r&b... bro... thats not music, there is no instruments its all computers and some one singing over it, and when they do there shows they have to be autotuned so in all reality, they have talent just not that much cause its all BS.
now there are some hiphop artist that are different... like Mike Posner, but for the most part it all sucks.
anyways.
i think its amazing that its just them, just there music, no computer edits, no synethic music, just them and there instruments recorded on tapes, in his garage and back yard and put on cd.
okay...
don talking about how awesome they are!
but here's the link to listen to it!!

foo fighters, wasting light.

and this one has no title...

okay... so.
i dont understand why people ask for a opinion, or say things like "tell me when i'm being stupid" if you really dont want to hear my opinion or want to know when you're being stupid.
now, its not like i think i'm the smartest person on the earth, cause that would be far from truth if i lied and tried to say that right now.
but the fact is... dont ask me to tell you the truth if you dont wanna hear it, and if you want to continue to be stupid than continue to be stupid. dont expect me to sit back and just watch you fall flat on your face, cause i dont find it amusing and i dont enjoy to watch my friends make themselves look like idiots.
now some people that are pretty close to me will think this is directed to two people only, but it isnt its just a fact that is currently bothering me.
so if you dont want my opininon or to know when i think you make yourself look like a damn idiot, than dont ask me unless you really want to know, cause i will tell you and i will put you on blast in front of other people.
and its not like it makes me feel good to do, i really feel mean doing it sometimes, cause it can seem like i'm putting someone down some times... but you asked me to do it, so be ready...

done venting/talking about that one.
comments would be great on this one.
k?thanks.

as i listen to death cab for cutie...

i realize my life is falling apart... i have no job, no license, and no goals. i lost my two best friends, because of my lack of trust in people and my inability to communicate. i'm relapsing... and i know it, i just don't care to stop myself from doing all this nonsense. i'm not in school, at all and i have no desire to be cause i have no ideal what i want to do. yeah getting my bachelors in youth ministry is a great ideal... but am i really suppose to be a youth pastor? am i really suppose to work in ministry? who knows these things, definitely not me!
i'm find interest in people with terrible habits, and say nothing about it.
i'm not who i want to be, or who i should be.... becuase i'm simply becoming who i use to be.
i know my life is falling apart, and i know this is not the way i should be living... but i'm doing nothing to stop it.
makes me wonder whats wrong with me, but i know whats wrong... i just chose not to change it.
haha its like a never ending circle of "i dont care" when everyone, including myself knows that i do care.
i guess death cab for cutie makes me think...

let the wild rumpus begin.

this is the first of many blogs..

i've decided to join the bandwagon and start a blog. i keep getting told to journal, but i never do it... for the simple fear that someone will read it, but i hate secrets... so i shall have non.
this is forreal my life, and my thoughts i'm not asking for anyone to approve of them or like them, nor am i being a narcissistic ass and meaning to say i dont care what you think.
some of what i say wont make sense... cause its how i think. lol
some may be extreme at first, cause i cant promise that i will have fully have complete my thought before i blog it, or that i will be happy as i blog. 

feel free to comment, not to comment. follow or not to follow.
these are simply my thoughts, i'm just sharing them with you.